Better Word Choice for the Entire Sentient Race
by Kazoo Avenger
Summary: Qui Gon, Obi wan and other Star Wars characters embark on a quest to change word usage. Humor ensues. Note: R is for Really insane comedy. Please R&R, if you want to see more chapters.
1. Episode One: Its Pointless, I know

A/N: Hey this is the new, E-Z Read, not-really-improved version for all you lovely people out there! I'm taking this series up again, so stay tuned for more on the Insanity Channel with your host, me   
  
Disclaimer: If this story confuses you, don't say I didn't warn you. The plot is mine, alas the characters are not. Wouldn't it be fun, though-- I could direct Episode Two :)  
  
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It was a lovely day in the galaxy…well, if you can call it a day. A lovely little bird, weightless in the vacuum of space, floated through the not-air. Lovely stars, lovely black…heck everything had 'lovely' nailed to it-it got really annoying after a sentence.   
  
Why, every race with even the slightest bit of raw nerve ending were lobbying to replace the word 'lovely' with 'shiny.' The universe was in chaos-it was a bold and daring move on their part. Nothing had been changed for, uh… well as long as anyone could remember-and then some. It was, said one Kazakian citizen of Gecht'phhbt, "bold, new and fresh!" …But he also said the same thing when asked about the state of the inter galactic restrooms *ahem*   
  
"Darn hippies," was yet another popular response.  
  
Tragically, as lawsuits became popular during this time of officious business wear, the population of lawyers throughout the galaxy dropped, due to severe poaching. No-one seemed to care until the need for a underhanded, underlie liked and overpaid subhuman species to represent the lobbying gentle creatures of the galaxy in their quest for a Better Word Choice for the Entire Sentient Race Thingie. Whatever that means.  
  
…Anyways, after a long and grueling debate, it was generally agreed upon that the Jedi were the obvious replacement for the vanishing Lawyer kind. As one Foobeckghtergahgckecht ambassador pointed out, they were so similar it blew his sckootbeckers (shorts) off.  
  
"…Which is why we're out here in the tail end of the Goober solar system, Obi wan." Master Qui Gon Jin smiled his trademarked grimace at his apprentice, who sat in the passenger seat of their little ship.  
"I have a bad feeling about this, Master."  
  
Qui Gon gave Obi wan an unreadable look. "Obi wan…did I ever mention the glass half empty phenomenon?"   
  
"Why no, Master. I know nothing of such transparent remarks referring to one's general outlook or philosophy in life, sir." Obi wan turned to look at Qui Gon, eyes wide in innocence.  
  
Master Qui Gon looked heavenward, beseeching whatever gods might be listening, *why me? Why ME? A normal boy--that's all I ever wanted! Where did this galactic blunder come from?!*  
  
Just then, something made a spectacular --SPAAT!-- sound as it exploded all over the windshield.   
  
"Drat…It must be a sign…" Qui Gon swore. "How am I going to get that off? Yet another…" he shuddered, "lovely bird has somehow managed to avoid all other traffic and pick my air conditioning to clog! Drat, I say!"  
  
The master turned to glare at his apprentice.  
  
"Obi wan, my boy, get --the Squeegee--…You know what to do."  
  
"Yes sir…"   
  
Qui Gon pulled out the cleaning tool, handed it to Obi wan and shoved him out the air lock with a "don't forget to exhale!"  
  
He returned to his seat, using the lever to spring the footrest, and leaned back, just as Obi wan floated into view. Qui Gon watched the apprentice rip, hack and scrape at the nasty mess on the glass, and he shook his head. *Kids these days*, he thought. *What do they teach them in school-martial arts?* Judging from the skill that Obi wan was applying to his back handed chops with the Squeegee, with the round house that looked ridiculous in the zero gee, that must be what it was they did all day.  
*Well, at least he's not playing one of those violent holo games*, he grumped.  
  
END OF EPISODE ONE  
  
  
A/N: head to the next chapter for more of my standard insanity you've all come to admire and respect! 


	2. Episode Two: The Plot Thickens!

A/N: This is the second installment-- enjoy.   
Disclaimer: blah blah blah don't own them blah blah blah don't sue  
*words*= thought  
  
  
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Episode Two  
  
Master Qui Gon fumbled with his map, trying to untangle the thing from his neck and drive the ship at the same time. *Next time we take a trip...we're flying there*, Qui Gon thought darkly at the map. *...Dumb archaic novelties. Hm... speaking of novelties, where is Obi wan?*   
  
Just then air lock squeaked open, and the frozen apprentice fell onto the deck. Qui Gon turned to glare at him.   
  
"Where were you? I could have used your help just a minute ago. Honestly, Obi wan. Every time I let you out, you always end up wandering around the ship hull--not to mention the all the startled passer-byers...or whatever they call them. It's poor time management! Really, Obi wan." Qui Gon stalked over, found his hair dryer, and plugged it in.  
  
"Your rather fortunate, you know. I could have just left you out there--good thing I got this hair dryer! Otherwise, I'd have to ship your sorry frozen carcass!" Master Qui Gon tsked as he pushed the defrost button with his thumb. "...It would save me all this trouble, however..."  
  
The dryer whirred noisily as the master set about de-icing Obi wan.  
  
"...It really is bad time management, Obi wan! How do you always end up icing over your eyes, I declare I'll never know! ... Obi wan...Obi wan, --are you listening?"  
  
Suddenly, Qui Gon's comlink started ringing 'Hutt Hat Dance.' (Sounds just like the Mexican hat dance, but different)  
  
"Ack!" Qui Gon jumped, fumbling with the hair dryer, and inwardly cursing Obi wan for fiddling with the settings again.   
Just as he put down the dyer, and reached for the comlink, the messager beat him.  
  
"-Hi, there. This is Qui Gon's frequency. He's off avenging his master's fate, saving a planet from doom, curling his beard, or busy. Heh heh...ahem. Leave a message and he'll get back. Live long and prosper. -" Qui Gon growled; Obi wan had gotten to that setting, too. Darn that kid.  
  
He gave up after a couple moments of trying to stop the thing and went back to defrosting his apprentice. Hmm...looked like the boy could use a little more around the eyes...  
  
  
* * *   
  
"Are we there yet, master?"   
  
"How many times do I have to tell you, my impatient apprentice?!" Qui Gon glared at Obi wan. "If you hadn't been fooling around out there..."  
  
"But I---"  
  
"Never mind!" Master Qui Gon reminded himself of his blood pressure and took his voice down a notch. "...Never mind that, Obi wan. And yes, we're almost--there's the welcoming committee now."  
  
Sure enough; in front of a huge ship shaped like a wedge of cheese, a bunch of banners reading 'Welcome, Lawyers!" along with many brightly colored balloons and lots of confetti floated by the view ports, along with the occasional party-hatted rubber chicken.  
  
" 'Lawyers'? Are you sure, master?" Obi wan turned to look at a chicken floating past his window. "And why are there rubber chickens in party hats?"  
  
"...It's a M'gihc'phbt'ma'gawk custom. It means 'me casa, you casa'...But I'm not quite sure about the Lawyer thing."  
  
"What does 'me casa, you casa' mean, sir?"  
  
Qui Gon opened his mouth, then shut it. He tried again after a moment of thought; "it means...casa...no, that's wcassa...Uh...Well, Obi wan, -- it's a type of fish." The master nodded, still looking uncertain.  
  
"Oh." Obi wan frowned. "...And what's a Lawyer?"  
  
" 'He who does not question get the biggest worm filled bowl,' " quoted Qui Gon, glaring at Obi wan.   
  
The young apprentice's shoulders slumped. *I wish I knew what that meant.* Obi wan slouched in his seat as his master started the docking sequence.  
  
Mean while on the cheese shaped ship, a dark and sinister being watched as the little ship flew into its clutches.  
  
"Excellent. Those stupid Jedi--- they flew right into my trap. They may have to majority of viewing audiences on their side, but I have--," Darth Macaroon paused for effect, "...Cheese Whiz!"   
  
He took a deep breath and cackled sinisterly.Just then, the janitor came in and turned on the lights.  
  
"ACK!" The evil Darth Macaroon flailed, robes flying everywhere. He made a dash for cover, and as was his luck, tripped on a trailing sleeve.  
"...Drat! That smarts."  
  
  
End of Episode Two  
  
A/N: thanks for tuning in again--FYI-- Darth Macaroon's headquarters are in the closet, just in case that part confuses you peeps! 


	3. Episode Three: Craziness Insues

A/N: this is the chap where I left off... just hang on (ideas for chapter 4 would be greatly appreciated!)  
Disclaimer: don't own em  
  
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Episode Three  
  
Obi wan peered about the interior of the cheese shaped ship. Yet again, he had a bad feeling---not that he was going to mention it. It was probably just those extra salty, mega cheddar, super broccoli dip chips he'd eaten for lunch...  
  
Master Qui Gon unbuckled his seat belt and opened the hatch, all the while wondering where the welcoming committee was.  
  
"It's awfully quite out there, master..." Obi wan glanced at Qui Gon, who rolled his eyes and booted the annoying apprentice off the ramp.  
  
"Ow! That's heading straight for the dark side, master," he grumbled, rubbing his backside. "Say, aren't those..."  
  
The master peered into the gloom. "Bad guys? No. I think I'd know, Obi wan. After all, I am--," he struck a dramatic pose, "--a Jedi."  
  
Obi wan blinked. "...Oh. I didn't think of that." He shrugged.  
  
They stood for a moment in uncomfortable silence.  
  
Obi wan glanced down at the floor--and stopped. "Master! Look-a trail of Cheese Whiz!"  
  
Master Qui Gon slapped the apprentice on the back. "Good work, Obi wan! Now... if only we knew what it meant!"  
  
Obi wan nodded, rubbing his back. "Well, master I'm sure you think of something... whether or not its relevant..." he muttered. "But I think its probably a trail to entice us into a sure and deadly trap that will give us the opportunity to show off our Jedi thingie!"  
  
Qui Gon nodded. "I say we follow! --Your sure that's what this is, Obi wan," he lowered his voice.  
  
Obi wan nodded vigorously. "Yes! Master Yoda always-!" Qui Gon grabbed his hand and dragged him off toward the yellow line of sprayable cheese.  
  
  
* * *  
  
  
Darth Macaroon sat in his darkened closet, watching the Jedi master and his sidekick walking unknowingly into the best trap the Sith could come up with in five minutes.  
  
But, Darth Macaroon thought, you have to admit... its pretty good for only five. Its brilliant--they'll walk into that room and then...BLAM! They'll never know what hit them. At least I hope so.  
  
He sat back, smiling evilly.   
  
"Don't they know? Cheese Whiz is the bane of all Jedi kind! AHAAAHAAH! None can withstand its tempting cheesiness and survive! The awesome power I hold in my hands is sure to kill them faster than you can say 'three M' fbbble'guck'thbbts in a sock drawer!' AHAAAHAAH!!! Its far too simple!"  
  
Just then, a voice interpreted Darth Macaroon's mirth. "Yes, it really was."  
  
Darth Macaroon spun around to see Master Qui Gon standing in the doorway along with his apprentice Obi wan.  
  
" I thought we were going to have to execute a couple ugly henchmen and a few thousand battle droids! Whatever happened to showing off our superior Jedi thingie?!" Qui Gon grumped.  
  
Darth Macaroon blinked. " 'Jedi thingie'??"  
  
Obi wan stepped forward, looking indignant. "Yeah! Our 'thingie'!"  
  
"I know nothing of your 'thingie' you preposterous Jedi! Whoever came up with that?!" Darth Macaroon glowered at them.  
  
"Whatever," Obi wan threw up his hands. "We know what your up to, evil Sith! And it won't work!"  
  
Qui Gon turned to his apprentice. "We do?"  
  
Obi wan blinked. "...You don't? I thought you knew!"  
  
"Oh, right! I'm the master-like I know everything! Hah! Blame it all on me!"  
  
Darth Macaroon stood gaping at the two squabbling Jedi. It must be the Cheese Whiz's strange powers...  
  
He cleared his throat. "...Hello! Excuse me! ..."  
  
The Jedi let go of each other, looking rather embarrassed.  
  
"Ahh...Now where was I..." Darth Macaroon looked lost for a moment. "...Oh, right-I am the evil Sith lord. So I'm going to kill you and everything like that. Same old, same old. But before I do, we all might as well get to know each other."  
  
Master Qui Gon blinked. "Uh...Right. I'm Master Jedi Qui Gon Something-err-rather and this is my trusty sidekick, apprentice extraordinaire, Obi wan What's-his-bucket."  
  
"Ahh," Darth Macaroon nodded wisely. "I see. You come from the galaxy of Little Intelligence. I was there once, when I was a mere grub, err, boy."  
  
They all shook hands and Darth Macaroon offered them chairs.  
  
"No, thanks," Qui Gon declined. "We're a little short on time and we must be off."  
  
"Drat!" Darth Macaroon looked disappointed. "Well, then...without further ado..."  
  
The two Jedi nodded and flourished their light sabers. Obi wan thumbed the little switch that said 'on' and his light saber blade sprang forth.  
  
Qui Gon produced his with a flourish, looking very impressive and threatening, yes indeedy! But when he tried to turn it on, nothing happened.  
  
"Oh, bugger!" The switch made little 'click, click' noises, but nothing materialized out of the saber's business end. Master Qui Gon shook it, peered into the end, and slapped it a couple of times.  
  
"What?!! How can I kill you if you don't put up a fight? Well, that does it! Ooh!" Darth Macaroon threw down his can of Cheese Whiz, hitting his own foot. He hopped around, swearing profusely. "And now my foot's out of commission! Well, we'll have to postpone!"  
  
The Jedi let their light sabers droop. "...All right. Another time then?"  
  
"Yes. Another time, then." Darth Macaroon waved, smiling, at them as they let themselves out the door. "Bye!"  
  
A moment later they poked their heads back in. "By the way--what's the Cheese Whiz for??"  
  
Darth Macaroon frowned for a moment. "--It's the bane of all Jedi..."  
  
Obi wan picked up the can, which had rolled away forgotten after it had been dropped.  
  
"Actually, sir, it says right here 'does not tempt Jedi, mice or other small rodents, contrary to popular belief.' And then it says 'if you thought so, all the company can say in light of your disillusion is...AHAAAAHAAAH! Sucker! Thank you.' "  
  
Darth Macaroon looked visibly deflated. "Egads! But everybody knows... You know, this is the third time I find that my master's tutoring has managed to make a galumphing Gick'merght'fffbt! out of my sorry red and black hide!"  
  
The Jedi exchanged puzzled looks. "Gee, that's too bad...Well, we'll just be off, then. Bye."  
  
"Oh, goodbye...Don't forget, okay? Drop in again some time!" Darth Macaroon waved as the Jedi disappeared.  
  
He stalked over to a chair and groped around behind the spiked cushions. Looking around for a moment, he pulled out a small shoe.  
  
"He did it again!" Darth Macaroon addressed the shoe. "Sole...what do you say---we do?" he held the shoe up to his ear for a moment and listened. "Oh! That's a very good idea, Sole! What would I do without you?... Yes, I know...you're my sole. But still... I wish that I didn't have to--no offense--ask a shoe that has more intelligence...Hah! That's a good one! 'You have the intelligence of a zucchini ' AHAAAHAAH! Oh, 'a very small zucchini' HAAAHAAAHAAAH! That's soooo funny!!"   
  
He giggled for a minute or two, slowly dissolving into hiccups. The shoe sighed and shook its head.  
  
  
  
A/N: yeppers, I am thinking of chap 4 as you read this... any ideas?? I've got writer's block :P 


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